Monday, November 30, 2015

If I Was Brave, This is What I Would Say

As of Saturday we have been "officially waiting" for 10 months. We enjoyed a nice Thanksgiving and time off from work (more for me than for Adam), and are ready for the Christmas season. Last year we said we really hoped we would have our little one for Christmas this year, and that probably won't happen, but hopefully next year! And if we do not have a little one by next Christmas, we will hope for the year after that.

 November was/is also National Adoption Month. So I've been posting tons of information on my facebook and instagram. (I'm sure if you follow me you're probably sick of seeing it all, don't worry it's almost over.) If you don't follow me, go check out my posts until you're sick of it too! I will always advocate for adoption, no matter how annoying you think it is :)

November 9 was also World Adoption Day. To celebrate you are supposed to draw a smiley face on your hand and post a picture. Here is our picture from that day.

In case you haven't noticed, we are pretty set in this path to adoption. Not saying God can't change our path, but we strongly feel that this is where we are supposed to be and how we are supposed to grow our family. Unfortunately, other people don't always see it that way. I thought it would be fun (and hopefully funny) to read some of the negative things people say, and the ways that I wish I was brave enough to respond.

Maybe you should just try to have a baby and see what happens.
We have heard multiple variations of this phrase from many people.
I really want to say "Maybe you should adopt and see what happens." But I'm not that quick or that brave. 1. We are trying to have a baby, just not from my body. 2. It is not safe for me to have a baby. My ovaries like to grow cysts (I like to call them pearls - it sounds prettier than cysts and on ultrasounds they look like pearls) and ovaries with cysts don't grow good eggs. Do you want me to go on about my ovaries?
I am not willing to risk my health and my baby's health so I can be biologically related to my family. Biology and blood are not that important to me.

Everyone I know who started to adopt got pregnant almost right away! That will probably happen to you too!
Umm, no, it probably won't. It would take medical intervention for me to get pregnant and maintain a pregnancy. We are not trying to get pregnant and we are doing things to prevent getting pregnant(thank you ObamaCare for free birth control!). Again, of course God can do whatever He wants, and obviously, if we ever got pregnant it would definitely be because that is what God wanted to happen.

(Insert obscure friend's relative's friend here) tried to adopt and.... (insert adoption horror story from a lifetime movie here)
Okay, I know the unknown is scary, I watched that Lifetime movie too, but I'm pretty sure that is not going to happen to us. Yes, I know that birth mothers sometimes change their minds and legally get their baby back before TPR (termination of parental rights). BUT I also know that birth mothers don't change their mind 6 years later, find you, break into your house at night, steal your baby, and you never see either of them again. I also know that there are birth mothers out there who are not really pregnant or don't actually plan to follow through with adoption, but our agency protects us from both of these scenarios, that's why we chose the avenue we did.

Why don't you adopt from ______________? Where there are REAL children in need?
Now the blank may say China, Ethiopia, or even foster care, it doesn't matter. We got called to the domestic adoption path for a reason, you can read the rest of this blog if you want more info on that. But let me tell you something, birth parents who want to make an adoption plan for their child, need people to adopt their babies, if not, those babies could go into foster care. Yes, domestic adoption babies are not true orphans, but they are still REAL children who need homes. (this one could go for people adopting from foster care or internationally too, I know they hear "why don't you adopt from the US when there are so many pregnant teenagers?")

What about their "real parents?"
Well 1 - I will be my baby's real mom and Adam his or her real dad. If you mean first parents or birth parents well right now we don't know! But we hope to have an open relationship with them so our child knows where he or she comes from and has someone to ask hard questions too. If you refer to the birth family as the child's "real family" it makes me feel like I'm their "fake mom." Please don't call me a "fake mom" Thanks. (p.s. I know that you probably don't know what to call the birth family, and you probably didn't mean anything when you said "real parents", but know it means something to us. If you don't know it is better to just ask :)

Just be patient, it will all happen in God's timing.
Listen, I know that this (and everything else in this post for the most part) is said with the best of intentions. And I know that this is true, but EVERY time I talk about how hard waiting is someone tells me "don't worry, it will happen in God's timing." Again, I already know this, read this blog and I hope that you see that our entire adoption journey is about us learning to trust God, His plan, and His timing. BUT it doesn't make the waiting any easier, and I feel like it discredits my feelings of longing for my child, and my emotions as we go through the wait. We are waiting on God's timing, but it doesn't make the waiting any less painful, it just makes it easier to go through the pain.

You will be such a blessing to that child.
I hope this is true, but I will not be any more a blessing to that child than you are to your children, and it would be weird if I said this to you, right? I will be a parent, and I think that child will be more a blessing to us than we are to him or her. That child will give us the gift of being parents, expanding our family to include his or her birth family, and he or she has already shown us what a great thing adoption is and has encouraged us to be adoption advocates. Our baby is already a huge blessing to us.

Please don't take this harshly, just understand we want our decisions and our feelings to be respected, and we want you to know what we don't want to hear so you can be educated about adoption for us and for others.
Again, I know that all of these are said with the best intentions (I hope), and if you have ever said any of these things to us or about us, it's ok, we don't hold it against you, we just hope that we can help educate you on adoption. We don't expect you to always know what to say or how to say it. I hope you see this post was written partially in jest, I would never say any of this out loud, and most of it is when my always changing waiting emotions get the best of me. I also hope it helps you think about what you are saying to someone who is adopting.

Also, if you ever have questions about adoption or our adoption we are always happy to answer.

Thanks for reading,
Kristen & Adam

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