Thursday, February 18, 2016

I am not in Control

I am not in control. I am not in control. I am not in control.

I have to keep reminding myself of this. I want to have a little bit of control over this adoption thing. I had control of doing the paperwork, I had control of picking an agency, I had control of my answers in our interviews and our adoption preferences, I had control of making our profile book, I had control over fundraising, applying for grants, setting up the nursery, and completing our service plan.
And now all of that is done and there is nothing else I can do. I've applied for all the grants, read a lot of the books, updated everything that needed to be updated. I HAVE NO CONTROL. There is nothing I can be working on to make me feel like I am "helping" this adoption along.
I am not in control.

Last week we were told there was a birth mother who was interested in us as well as several other families and she had more questions for us. Her questions included; "what would we do about daycare?" "What would you do if the child had homosexual tendencies later in life?" "Will the cats be allowed in the nursery?" (I hoped I answered these okay... this I am in control of)And our social worker told us that this birth mom wanted the adoptive family very involved in the hospital. And we were told the birth father was unknown which poses some interesting circumstances. When a birth father is unknown and the mother is making an adoption plan, the adoption agency or attorney needs to file with the putative father registry in the state the father is in (if they have one), and the father has a certain amount of time to claim his child. In situations like this, because there is legal risk, adoption agencies like to place the baby in interim care until the father is cleared. It helps save the families from potential heartbreak. So, our social worker talked to us about this and the risks involved whether it was a direct or indirect placement. And honestly, I had a hard time feeling hopeful or excited for this situation. I think I have become partially numb, after all the "no's."
I am not in control.

We found out yesterday that this mother picked another family.
I am not in control.

And I start to question, were my answers not good enough? What did she not like about us? The one thing that I felt in control of (my profile book and my answers to her questions) I questioned. We were also told that there is a lot of interest in our profile book and that it continues to be active. And honestly, that is still hard to hear. Yes it is good that it is active, but it makes me feel like we are not good enough over and over again. And I think part of not feeling good, is feeling like I'm not in control. Part of why it is hard to wait is because I can do NOTHING to speed up or help this process.
So, as we continue to wait - even though it's hard, even though it hurts, even though I am not control.
And if I think about it, I don't want to be in control because someone greater is in control. The One who is in control knows everything. Even though I don't like not being in control, God knows better than I do, He knows what situation will be the BEST for our family, not just okay, He knows what timing will be best for our family, and he knows which birth family will get along best with us, and a million other reasons why our situation is not yet here and why ours will work out best.
I am not in control and I am thankful for that.

Romans 8:28 - And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them.

Psalm 37:4 - Take delight in the Lord and He will give you your heart's desire.

We know that God will provide. We just need to continue to wait on Him, trust Him, and delight in Him, and remember that we are not in control.

Please continue to pray for us, the wait gets harder and more painful everyday and honestly, I'm struggling to wait quietly and take joy in the waiting.

With Love,
Kristen

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