Thursday, February 4, 2016

January Views

Writing is cathartic for me. Usually, when I sit down to write a blog I have an idea of what I want to talk about, but I just sit and write (or type) and let the words come. And sometimes I edit it. So I decided to write to figure out how I feel about our January profile views - also because I KNOW that other waiting mama's feel the same so I want their voice to be heard in this as well. And I want them to connect to this post.

Last month, our profile was seen by 3 expectant families. In December, our profile was also seen by 3 expectant families. That means that 6 families have viewed our profile. This makes me feel so torn. This makes me excited that: our book is getting shown (in the adoption world 3x a month is a lot), we are just waiting for the right family to view our book, it means that 6 expectant families chose life over abortion, and it means that 6 families who have been waiting brought babies home. These are all HUGE things to celebrate. But my heart is having a hard time celebrating that today because that means 6 families viewed us and said no. I know this is not personal, but it is hard not think of the "why." What was "wrong" with us that they didn't like us? All waiting families think this (I think... and hope so that I'm not alone). "Maybe they didn't like our dog," "maybe they don't like that we live in an apartment," "maybe they don't like that I will be a working mom," "maybe our book wasn't good enough." The thoughts go on and on. It is hard to stop them. And it is hard not to internalize them. Now, I am a positive person, I always am able to see the good, and I can and I know the good, it is just hard right now. Adoption is HARD and I think I am allowed to have a hard day sometimes. If you have never ached for a child you don't have but want love it is a hard feeling to explain. And to ignore that feeling all day everyday gets exhausting. We know our baby will come in God's timing, we know it will be the baby meant for us and the "no's" won't matter. Well - they will matter - because we won't get OUR yes unless the one's not meant for us tell us no. We know that the "no's" are just part of our story and part of the path to get to our baby. We are just ready. Ready to be a family of 3, ready for the change it will bring, and ready for the waiting to end.
I feel like I can relate to David today in his Psalm:
Psalm 42: 6 - Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God, I will praise Him again - My Savior and My God.
I know that God is still in control, still has the BEST plan, and is still good. I will praise Him in the waiting and in the hard stuff.
So, I'm going to try to focus on the happy, celebrate the good, and continue to wait quietly for the Lord. But today, I am also going to let myself feel the bad so tomorrow can be filled with all the good.
Thanks for listening to me babble I needed that. Hopefully, if you are in the same place you can relate to these mixed feelings.
With Love,
Kristen

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