I want to write this post because I want to be transparent and honest and give you guys a glimpse of the reality of the adoption world. This week was a really hard one. My heart is breaking as I write this, but I want to share.
Monday we got a message about an expectant mom who is due soon and wanted to make an adoption plan - I'm not going to share any of the details because they aren't mine to tell. Because of certain circumstances our agency asked us if we would be willing to have our profile shown to this mother. We talked it over and agreed to show our profile. We knew the expectant mom would be viewing profiles on Tuesday. And our social worker promised to update us by end of day on Friday. So then we waited. And waited. And prayed.
We agreed to be open-hearted, to stay hopeful, and expect the best. The amount of anxiety felt in a wait like this cannot be explained. It is harder than the regular wait because I know that our future and our family could change by the end of the week, usually you don't know this kind of information. You just get a call that you've been matched or you get a message on how many people viewed your profile. But in this situation, you know the mom is looking at your profile in the middle of 9 other profiles (at least). So we pray for something in our book to stand out, for the expectant mom to pick us, for the baby to be healthy, for peace and comfort for everyone. We pray and pray and pray for God to bring our baby home.
And today, we waited all day. Wondering, what time is end of day for our office? Has the expectant mother decided anything? Why is our social worker waiting all day to contact us?
Finally, we heard at almost 7, the expectant mom picked another family. And the world starts to crash. All the hopes we had for this baby, our expectations, our prayers crashed around us. And now we grieve the family that we are still waiting for. We have been told no around 15 times at this point and this is the 4th situation like this. Every time stings. This time stings a lot. It is hard to remain hopeful and hard to thank God for this, right now it doesn't feel good. Right now it doesn't feel like a blessing. It makes me wonder how much longer I can go through these ups and downs and when our time will finally come.
I know this is obviously not our baby, it is not time yet for me to be a mom, this is not the time for us to be a family of three yet, God will bring us our baby, I know that. It doesn't make it hurt any less to know these things.
Now, I will focus on leaning on my community and accept the support offered from those who have been here and get this feeling. I will continue to grieve. I will continue to pray that our child will be home soon. And I will continue to hope, even though it's painful, and continue to believe that God will bring us our child. When that happens I will be able to look back and see why this was a no. When we get our child I will be able to see why I had to wait for that yes. I cannot wait for that day.
Thanks for reading, for being willing to see the hard parts of this adoption world, and allowing me to be honest. Please continue to pray for us. That's what we need right now. You guys are the best.
PLEASE watch this song it is beautiful and encompasses a lot of my feelings right now, and hopefully it will speak to you too.