I think it is safe to say the last month waiting has been the hardest, honestly this was a post that 2 weeks ago I didn't think I would have to write. I didn't think we would have a 21 months waiting post.
We are getting back to normal now. Back to work, back to church, back to appointments and spending time with friends. For me, sometimes socializing is hard, it takes a lot out of me. So, if you have asked me to hang out and I say no, that's why, sometimes it's too much for me to be social. We are still grieving, but we are also finding ways to celebrate and appreciate Toby's short little life.
What happened has made me question a lot. Are we doing the right thing? Are we supposed to continue down this adoption road? Where is God and why isn't He showing up for me? I really was questioning whether we heard God correctly, if this is what we are supposed to be doing. Luckily Adam and my friends lovingly speak truth to me when I don't see it myself. My friend Kelsey said something that really stuck with me. She said, " don't let Toby's death be in vain. Your heart made room for a child you will never meet and you will be stronger and a better mom because of it. Toby would want you to finish what you started." And I think she is right. We can continue our adoption wait and honor Toby by continuing to wait and see this adoption through to find the baby that we will get to meet and bring home.
I also had a friend share a story with me and he compared the wait (or any significant wait in your life) to being like Moses and the Israelite. They were literally running away from the Egyptians. They were standing at the edge of the Red Sea and this HUGE army was moving towards them. It LOOKED like there was no hope. They were asking, God, why did you lead us here just to destroy us? Why did you free us from slavery just to let our enemy defeat us? Then Moses heard God say, "just touch the water." and I'm sure Moses was like EXCUSE ME?! You want me to touch the water - do you SEE what is happening here? But he did it, and the Red Sea parted. God showed up in what looked like an impossible situation, when His people thought He had left them for dead. And God will show up for me. I may not have enemies chasing me down, but I am at the end of rope, facing my Red Sea, my "God you brought me this far, why did you lead me here to take away my baby?" So, I will keep waiting, in my Moses moment, waiting for God to direct me to touch the water. Waiting for God to show up in an unexpected, only-God kind of way.
Everyone's adoption story is different. This is NOT what I thought mine would look like at all. But it is my story. God will use what happened for good, that's what He does, use impossibly hard and no way out situations for good. So, we will continue to wait, pray for us as this is not easy.
Thank you for all the continued encouragement and support. Seriously, it has been so encouraging to know so many people care and are covering us in prayer.