It has been a week since we found out that we lost our baby. It has been the hardest week I've ever gone through, but the support we have received has been awesome. We have been covered in prayer by, I'm sure, hundreds of people. We have been given food, flowers, cards, and lots of hugs. The hardest question to answer has been "how are you?" I'm not okay, but I'm holding it together - most of the time. Sometimes, after a long day of holding it together, I fall apart. And, it's okay, I'm grieving. I've never really had to grieve before, so I'm trying to figure out what that means for me. Sometimes it means crying, sometimes it means not talking to anyone and binge watching Netflix, sometimes it means listening to the Serial podcast and cleaning my house, and sometimes it is taking a walk with a friend and talking about ways to remember our baby.
We named our baby Toby - we don't know if Toby is a boy or a girl, but we thought it fit. It means God is good, or the kindness of God. Even though it is hard to see God's goodness in death, we know He is good. We don't know why God allowed this to happen, but we know that we have a God who understands. Our God sent His own son to die and watched Him die, and felt the pain of losing His child. We are in good company with God.
One thing my counselor said was that maybe we were matched with Toby because God knew we would remember this baby. Toby will forever be remembered as our child, as all children - no matter how short their life- deserve to be remembered. This is a great honor. And now Toby is with Jesus, he or she is perfect, healthy, happy, and will never cry or be sad. Toby was our baby for 5 days. 5 days that were too short, 5 days that we never saw or met this baby, but Toby is and forever will be our baby. This thought has helped heal my heart.
We will eventually be matched with another family, a family whose baby will be born alive and that we will get to take home. And we are hopeful for that day and pray that it is soon. We are hoping for our profile book to go back into circulation to be seen by expectant families this week. But, we will always remember Toby and the impact Toby made on our lives.
We are trying to get back to normal, but our normal will never be the same. Please pray for us as we try to figure out what life looks like now, how we are grieving, how we will heal, and how we will remember Toby. And pray for us as we go back into the wait. The wait is excruciating and going back into with a loss makes it harder. Pray as we are around family and friends who have babies or are pregnant, because that is a sharp pain to see as it brings to light what we don't have and what we lost and what we are waiting for. Our hearts have a lot of healing to do.
On November 11, Toby's due date we are going to do a lantern release. If you want to release a lantern or balloon for Toby please take a picture and send it to us.
Thank you all for your continued prayers and support. I will leave you with this:
I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me,
YET this I call to mind and THEREFORE I HAVE HOPE:
Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for Him.