Warning: this is not a happy post. This is a very heart breaking, hard post.
Last week, we were notified that we were chosen by a birth family! We heard about all the details and decided to accept the match! Everything seemed so perfect. The parents were together, they picked us because we were young, hip, and looked like we liked each other. The baby was due Nov. 11, no drug exposure, and they were very sure of their decision. They wanted a closed adoption, which we were sad about, but knew that was always something they could pick. They didn't want to meet us, so we have never met the family and don't know anything about them. We talked back and forth between our social worker and the pregnancy counselor about names. WE WERE ECSTATIC. We bought a bunch of baby stuff, talked to our families, and our jobs about taking time off. We didn't tell everyone because birth families can always change their minds, and we were waiting to hear about their birth plan and to find out the gender. We were really excited and could not wait to find out more and finally be parents! We were done waiting! We made plans for how to do thanksgiving and Christmas with our new baby, we finally could do and plan things we have been waiting for for 3 years!
Then Adam got a call from our social worker Monday. When we both got home from work he sat me down and said we needed to talk. He said "this is not good news, but we will be okay." I said " did the expectant family change their mind?" and he said "no, the baby died."
And my world crashed. Our baby died. Our baby was gone. We lost our baby. We cried. And cried. And cried. We told our friends, our family, and we had friends come over and spend time with us and cry with us.
We don't know what happened to the baby, and we don't blame anyone, it's just one of those freak accidents. We have a lot of questions that have no answers. Why did God allow us to get matched and then take our baby away? What happened? Boy or girl? How is the birth family? When will we get a baby? Will we ever get a baby?
We have been waiting so long and we thought we were done waiting. We chose adoption because the chance of me miscarrying is so high. We are now parents, but parents without a child. We always knew the birth family could change their mind, but we never thought this would happen. We were never prepared for this. This should not happen.
So, what now? We wait again. This is very upsetting and frustrating to us. We go to holidays as parents with empty arms- this is heartbreaking. We will continue to struggle with our friends having babies and being pregnant - maybe even more now. And we will become stronger and continue to hope. We still have hope. Knowing that God has a plan for our GOOD, and not to harm us gives us hope. Knowing that God is good and keeps our promises gives us hope. We don't necessarily feel hopeful, but we have hope. One day, we may be able to look back and understand, and if not that is okay. We trust God and His plan for us - even though we don't understand why He allowed this to happen. We know that His love and light will shine through this situation somehow (listen to the song Thy Will Be Done by Hilary Scott if you haven't this has been running through my mind the last 24 hours, and Eye of the Storm by Ryan Stevenson)
Please be praying for us. For healing, for strength, for us to be confident moving forward and not to give in to anxiety, fear, and doubt. Pray for the birth family and their healing too.
Thank you for your support and giving me a place to be honest and share the hard stuff about adoption. I wasn't sure if I was going to write a post on this, but I promised from the beginning that I would share our full story, and this baby will always be part of our story. And this is something that happens in adoption so I think it needs to be shared.
When we decide what to do in memory of this baby, I will share it with you. Let me know if you have good ideas.