Monday, November 28, 2016

22 Months

Today we have been waiting 22 months. An elephant's gestation is 22 months. I think it's interesting we have been waiting the same amount of time so far as an elephant has to wait to give birth!

We have made it through Thanksgiving and I was better than I thought. I thought Thanksgiving would be hard. We were supposed to have a baby to be thankful for and we didn't. I had some moments, but over all, it was okay. I was also too busy to dwell on it, and that helped. As nice as Thanksgiving was, I am glad it is over. We pictured and planned for Thanksgiving and Christmas with a baby. We didn't plan past that yet, so I will also be glad for Christmas to be over, because it will also be full of things we planned that (most likely) will not come to pass. And, it's hard, but it's okay. That's life. Full of expectations that aren't met. Adoption is no exception. I think with adoption, expectations are pointless (I only know this from experience). All of our expectations have been broken, and none of them have been met, all at the same time.

I really, really hope that next year we will have a baby at Christmas and Thanksgiving. I said the same thing last year on this day when we were only waiting 10 months, and the year before that when we weren't officially waiting yet, but still in the process. And, if we don't have a baby next Christmas, honestly, I'm not sure if we will keep waiting  - we will see when we get there.

I have 3 weeks of school left before Christmas break and end of semester, so that is nice, and gives me something to look forward to, and will definitely keep me busy.

This month was National Adoption Month - so, I'm a little talked out on adoption - if you didn't see my instagram this month go check it out it is FULL Of adoption information, so go check it out (@klwerle)

Okay, that's all for now, I think in the last month I've wrote enough so this is a short one!
Please keep praying for us as we wait, and continue to heal from losing Toby.
Thank you again for all of your support and love and prayers through our journey.

With love,

Monday, November 21, 2016

Beauty from Ashes

I need to write a post that's not about Toby. There is still a lot going on in our lives, and we are still waiting.
So, I thought I'd share what God is doing. Man, you guys, God is working in my heart, and some days it is UGLY, some days it is broken, and some days it is beautiful. Isn't that so typical? Since Toby has died, I have wanted to quit, wanted to switch agencies, wanted to be pregnant, been mad at God, questioned my faith in ways that I never have before, doubted God's goodness, and been reminded of His truths and calling in our lives.
It comes down to the fact that I am DONE waiting. I am so over waiting - but obviously, God wants us to keep waiting. I was mad at God for allowing us to get matched and then taking our baby away. And sometimes, I still am, thankfully God is big enough for my anger. The wait has been so hard I wanted to give up. The bitterness and jealousy in my heart has grown. I see other people getting matched who have not been waiting near as long and my heart cannot handle it. Thankfully, God is big enough for my bitterness and is working on healing it. 
I am trying to listen to God's plan, but I am not hearing much right now. As far as adding another agency? We will see - we are doing some research, but will most likely stay where we are as we have waited for so long. I have seriously considered having a biological baby - some days that feels easier. I know in reality it may or may not be. It would probably be full of fertility medicine and doctor's appointments. And I remind myself we were called to adoption. We prayed and prayed and researched and talked and decided we were being called to adoption. Some days that is much harder than others to remember. But I am reminded, when I need it, by Adam, and by friends to follow through with what God has called us to.
I have questioned aspects of my faith like never before - Is God really good? Do I really believe that? Do I believe that His plan is greater? Does He even have a plan? Did He call us to this? Does He have a baby for me? And many other deep questions that I have never wrestled with. But, wisdom from friends, scriptures, and sermons have given me comfort and some answers. God is orchestrating something beautiful in our lives and our baby's life. Our lives will intermingle at the perfect time and that will catalyst the rest of the things in their life into motion. But, everything will be set into motion in the right time in the right way. More than likely, our baby is in their first mother's womb - that helps me wait. Knowing my baby is waiting for me. And I know that God knows all my little worries - taking time off from my job at a good time, the weather (I know, stupid), and every other weird little worry and He will take care of all of them.
I am thankful that God being good is a fact, and not based on my feelings. I am glad that God's faithfulness to me, is not based on my faithfulness to Him or my actions.
I try to remember God has a purpose for our waiting and I don't want to miss living my purpose because I am done waiting. This doesn't mean the waiting is any easier, or that I won't still have hard days, but I am going to try to focus on living my purpose and not living to be done waiting.
I am thankful God can take my ugly, my doubt, my grieving, and mourning and turn into something that glorifies Him, and make it beautiful.

Please continue to pray for our baby to come, for our baby's first family, and for us as we wait. Pray for my heart to heal and for my jealousy to be replaced with joy. And please, help me remember that I am doing what I am supposed to and that God is faithful.

Thank you all for your continued support and for putting up with my crazy doubts and freak outs. You are the best.
With love,

Sunday, November 6, 2016

Toby Memorial Fundraiser.

Friends! We still have around $6,000 of agency fees to pay and we thought to do a fundraiser in honor of the baby we lost, Toby, would be a great way to bring our next baby home. Using the tragedy of Toby's short life for something good. So this week (my birthday, National Adoption Awareness month, and Friday being Toby's due date) we are doing a give what you will fundraiser.
If you give certain amounts I will make you something.
$15 -$29 you get a free mini hanging pillow.

$30-$49 you get a free pillow.

 $50 or more you can choose from 2 pillows, a personalized (you pick the design, colors, fabric, etc) pillow, or a baby quilt( you pick the color scheme).
Example of quilt: (embroidery not included)

So if you want to donate click on the Donate button in the right side. That will take you to our PayPal adoption account. If you have questions please contact me here or email me at