I need to write a post that's not about Toby. There is still a lot going on in our lives, and we are still waiting.
So, I thought I'd share what God is doing. Man, you guys, God is working in my heart, and some days it is UGLY, some days it is broken, and some days it is beautiful. Isn't that so typical? Since Toby has died, I have wanted to quit, wanted to switch agencies, wanted to be pregnant, been mad at God, questioned my faith in ways that I never have before, doubted God's goodness, and been reminded of His truths and calling in our lives.
It comes down to the fact that I am DONE waiting. I am so over waiting - but obviously, God wants us to keep waiting. I was mad at God for allowing us to get matched and then taking our baby away. And sometimes, I still am, thankfully God is big enough for my anger. The wait has been so hard I wanted to give up. The bitterness and jealousy in my heart has grown. I see other people getting matched who have not been waiting near as long and my heart cannot handle it. Thankfully, God is big enough for my bitterness and is working on healing it.
I am trying to listen to God's plan, but I am not hearing much right now. As far as adding another agency? We will see - we are doing some research, but will most likely stay where we are as we have waited for so long. I have seriously considered having a biological baby - some days that feels easier. I know in reality it may or may not be. It would probably be full of fertility medicine and doctor's appointments. And I remind myself we were called to adoption. We prayed and prayed and researched and talked and decided we were being called to adoption. Some days that is much harder than others to remember. But I am reminded, when I need it, by Adam, and by friends to follow through with what God has called us to.
I have questioned aspects of my faith like never before - Is God really good? Do I really believe that? Do I believe that His plan is greater? Does He even have a plan? Did He call us to this? Does He have a baby for me? And many other deep questions that I have never wrestled with. But, wisdom from friends, scriptures, and sermons have given me comfort and some answers. God is orchestrating something beautiful in our lives and our baby's life. Our lives will intermingle at the perfect time and that will catalyst the rest of the things in their life into motion. But, everything will be set into motion in the right time in the right way. More than likely, our baby is in their first mother's womb - that helps me wait. Knowing my baby is waiting for me. And I know that God knows all my little worries - taking time off from my job at a good time, the weather (I know, stupid), and every other weird little worry and He will take care of all of them.
I am thankful that God being good is a fact, and not based on my feelings. I am glad that God's faithfulness to me, is not based on my faithfulness to Him or my actions.
I try to remember God has a purpose for our waiting and I don't want to miss living my purpose because I am done waiting. This doesn't mean the waiting is any easier, or that I won't still have hard days, but I am going to try to focus on living my purpose and not living to be done waiting.
I am thankful God can take my ugly, my doubt, my grieving, and mourning and turn into something that glorifies Him, and make it beautiful.
Please continue to pray for our baby to come, for our baby's first family, and for us as we wait. Pray for my heart to heal and for my jealousy to be replaced with joy. And please, help me remember that I am doing what I am supposed to and that God is faithful.
Thank you all for your continued support and for putting up with my crazy doubts and freak outs. You are the best.